Greater things than these

This past month, I have been changed. It seems as though a shift is happening in this road of autism, living with the pain of disability, learning to love the journey. Just looking at those words makes me a little disgusted because they sound so cheesy, “learning to love the journey”. What? How do you learn to love cleaning up poop?

Anyway, things are changing in my mind. The gospel is coming to bear on my thoughts and I’m starting to see a tiny glimpse, perhaps, of what Jesus told Nathaniel in John 1. See, Jesus is in the midst of gathering his dream team, his posse, his community. He is traveling around saying to guys, “Come and follow me.” Drop everything you have, all you’ve known, all you thought life would be and follow what I say life is. I’m life. Be with me. Obey what I have to say. You’ll find life here.

Scary right? Here he is telling these guys to leave their professions, leave their homes, leave all they know and you’ll see. Right from the get go, he is giving a call to faith. He called rich people, poor people, smelly people, grieving people, thieves, religious, loud mouths, skeptics. It didn’t matter who they were or what they had done. He threw out his net wide.

Some followed and some didn’t.

Stepping out and letting go of all you thought life would be is scary as hell! Sometimes God is gracious enough to force us to step out. At least, it has been scary and forceful for me.  I would have never chosen this world of medical complexity for my child or myself.

When we were pregnant with our second child, I was like any other experienced mom, hopeful that this time around would be a little easier. Sure, I knew that they would be different personality wise but at least I knew how to clip baby nails and give a bath. At least I knew how to breastfeed and transition to solid foods. At least I didn’t have to look in a book when any tiny thing changed or a new stage came. We were so hopeful and overjoyed when we found out we were having a boy! My picture of our perfect family was coming true. One girl and one boy. Tea parties and football games ahead! Daddy’s little girl and a mama’s boy. I couldn’t have been more delighted.

And we had great spiritual hopes for our kids. Even before we had our first girl, we knew that if we ever had a boy, we wanted to name him Moses. Years before we were pregnant with him, we had read the biography of a man. A man who boldly went into a different country and shared the good news of Jesus to a people very different from his own.  We admired his faith and knew that we wanted our son to have a name that reminded him of this man’s bold faith. I remember praying while I was pregnant, “God use this boy’s mouth to be a megaphone for the gospel, to many nations, to the far reaches of the earth.”

Follow me and you will see greater things than these.

And then, God gave us a beautiful, brave little boy who has great difficulty communicating and can’t hold a conversation.  A boy who has spent his life in therapies and doctors visits. The dreams and the spiritual prayers that I had for our boy changed and died. I stopped dreaming about football games and started to pray for an “m” sound. I stopped praying that God would use his mouth for the gospel and started praying that God would use his mouth to just swallow and chew food safely.

You see, I started this parenting journey with a hidden ideology that my kiddo’s worth revolved around how many people he could impact for the sake of the gospel. I had dreams that God would use him to reach hundreds and even thousands. Not a bad prayer from a parent right? I wanted him to be a world changer. Now, I’m not saying that he won’t be that or God can’t use him in a different capacity. God will do as He pleases with the impact of my son’s life.

What I know now is that while I was praying for God to use him in others, I failed to realize that God does things differently than I would plan. I forgot that He is also the God who leaves the whole flock, the big impact, to go after one. That one has been me. I will forever be a different person because God gave me Moses. Moses has changed my world. He has been a mouthpiece for the gospel in my life. I know God better because he is in my life. What more could I hope for Moses? I can only hope that God will use my life to impact someone else’s for God’s glory and he has already accomplished that and continues to do so!

And so, God is continuing to shape and mold my prayers toward my children. As far as I see it, Moses' namesake is more true now then I ever thought it would be. He is being called into an unknown world. Every time he talks or has a scary new experience, he is displaying faith and boldness. He is teaching me and the world new ways to look at this place that God has created for us. He has a unique experience of God and I can’t wait for the day to hear all about it.

Truly, God is showing me greater things than I had ever hoped for in those early days. My dreams were way to small in those days.

These are the links that I got the pictures from. I do not endorse these sites. Just like the graphics. Credit due: 
https://armysgeneralcorner.wordpress.com
https://www.lds.org/bible-videos/videos/jesus-declares-the-parable-of-the-lost-sheep?lang=eng
https://www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/p/keep-calm-second-baby-s-coming/