What has gotten me through the anger or When God absorbs my anger Part 2

For me, the last post on anger was a musing of the past. It was emotions that have taken me years to work through and at times, still work through. It began when our family lived in North Carolina several years ago and this journey of having a medically complicated son began. I found myself more and more angry at what God was doing with our life, about how He was orchestrating everything for His glory. I didn’t get it! I still don’t in many ways. That anger that I experienced so frequently turned to bitterness and distance. I just didn’t want to read the Bible. I didn’t feel like going to church. I didn’t want to teach my kids about God because I just didn’t trust him. It was a dark season. At times, it still is.

My heart felt so sick and what was worse is that I could see where I was. I have grown up surrounded by the Church all of my life and I knew that my heart was growing cold.

Honestly, I don’t remember what the turning point was. I don’t think that there was a big event, a life changing conversation with a friend or a conference that I went to that changed anything.

What I do think that has sustained my faith, delight and sheer joy in my God is continuing to read the word even though it felt empty at times. Those empty times have not been a few days or a few months. They have been years at times. It makes me think of the people of Israel and how they waited and waited…400 years for God to reveal himself to His people again. That’s about the time between the Old Testament, when the presence of God left the temple, and when God revealed Himself to Zechariah, John the Baptist’s dad. Or what about the waiting of God’s people to bring them out of slavery?

6 years ago, I read a book called, Together: Growing Appetites for God's Word by Carrie Ward. There were different times while reading it that I was crying and laughing. It’s a great quick read for young moms! It was then that I decided that I was going to read through the Bible. I can’t say that I have faithfully done it with my kids. I can say that God has sustained me to keep reading all these years later. In the book, she talked about how she was in her 30s as a person who grew up in the church and had still never read through the Bible. I was with her. And I had even graduated from a Christian university with a degree in Bible exposition!! I knew I had read the parts as a whole, but never read through the whole thing. I always committed too, started in Genesis and fell off somewhere around Numbers or Leviticus. Carrie’s own testimony fueled me to know that I could take my time and that God didn’t care if it didn’t take me a year. He just wanted me to keep going. So, here I am. 6 years later and I am about to finish Revelation. I just kept reading. No matter how long it had been since I stopped, no matter how empty I might have thought it was…I just picked up where I left off. And there have been pivotal times in this journey the past 6 years that God knew exactly where He wanted me in my reading. There have been times when I thought that the word wasn’t true and it was returning void on my heart. Boy was I wrong!! God always, always, always used it. Many times it just took time…sometimes years.

What has also sustained my joy is NOT trusting my emotions. When you are in the thick of a depressive state, of an angry season, of distance it can feel like that season is never going to end. It can make you wonder if things are ever going to get better. It can make you drum up regrets from the past and fears of the future. It can seem so true and certain. But, several years ago, I read this fantastic little booklet by Desiring God. You can download it for free. In it, the author reminded me to not trust the certainty of despair. Thankfully, when I hear myself and my emotions casting a very grim view of my future and its ensuing demise, I remember that those thoughts are not to be trusted.

What has also sustained my relationship with Jesus has been the grace of other people’s prayers! I don’t even know who has been praying for us. There has been so many times along this journey that someone has said, “Oh you’re Moses' mom?! We have been praying for you.” It astounds me to think of where my faith would be now if not for the prayers of other individuals who have been praying for our faith to continue. And to even think that Jesus is praying for our faith to continue is mind-blowing! We truly feel them and thank all of you reading for praying for our family. We would be lost without the earnest prayers of the saints! Keep praying for the people in your life who have no strength to go to Jesus on their own. I continually remember the story of the man who Jesus healed and forgave his sins when his friends lowered him down through the roof of a building. This man did not have the strength to go to Jesus himself and yet his friends did. Talk about loving earnestly! They brought him to Jesus and tore open a roof to get him there. Then it says in Luke 5:20, “And when he saw their faith, he said, ‘Man, your sins are forgiven you.’” He saw THEIR faith, the friends faith. There have been many, many times that I have had to lean on the prayers and faith of others to bring me to Jesus, because I just didn’t trust or have the strength to get there on my own. I didn’t have the heart to sing praise, so I would listen to songs of others. I didn’t have the prayers to pray, so I would listen to the prayers of others. I didn’t have the words to say, so I would listen to the sermons of others. Leaning on the people of Jesus has been a humbling, painful and beautiful thing to experience!

Most importantly what has sustained me is the gospel. I have asked God many, many times if He loves me then why? And every time, I am reminded that I don’t have to question if He loves me. He proved that love for me by having Jesus take my place on the cross. My emotions don’t change the fact that Jesus died. My doubts cannot literally change the past. For that, I am so incredibly grateful!! I am so thankful that I cannot rewrite history. That will remain. That is my constant. God’s love poured out on this world for you and for me, years and years ago.

Those questioning times, those angry times are still hard. But, I am so thankful that I don’t have to remain there anymore. For those that are still waiting, just hold on. Peace will come! Peace that passes all understanding is coming. It is walking down the halls of our hearts and the door will be opened soon. Just wait a little longer. You will not be stood up!