When God absorbs my anger toward Him, Part 1

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I just realized something a few days ago, I’m a teenager right now. I may be 34 but my new life with Jesus actually began 16 years ago. I was a freshmen in college when God awoke my heart.

I don’t have a teenager yet, but I definitely remember being a teenager so many years ago. I remember the awkwardness of those times. I was still trying to figure out the world and I thought I had so much figured out. I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought that I knew what was good for me. Wow, was I dumb! How can I be so harsh with myself? Well, when I was 16, I was in my first relationship…if you can even call it that. I was working at Marie Callendar’s restaurant and crushing super hard on one of the servers. He was 22. 

As a mother now, I realize the terror that my mom had in her eyes when she found out I was seeing this boy off and on. I remember her telling me, “You’re never going to see that boy again.” He had gotten fired from the restaurant…I knew how to pick the good ones. So, not seeing him was a reality while getting to keep my job. She made me tell her where he lived, then drove me to his trashy apartment to say goodbye, while she waited in the car. While I can say now that I thank God my mom saved me from making some majorly stupid mistakes, at the time I did not feel that way.  At the time, I was heartbroken. At the time, I thought I knew what was best for me. At the time, it made me so angry. I remember telling her, “I hate you.”

I find myself in my teenage years again, except this time it’s not a quarrel between me and my mom. It’s a quarrel between me and my dad, my heavenly Father. I think I know what’s best. I think I know what I'm doing. I think that having a stress-free life is what I need. I think that I shouldn’t have to go to all these doctors appointments. I think that my child shouldn’t have to experience the type of pain that he has experienced. I have looked at my circumstances and at times felt, this is too much. You have screwed me over. Why are you doing this to me?

I have felt like the author in Psalms 39:13, “Look away from me, that I may smile again, before I depart and am no more!” In other words, I don’t want you anymore God. I would be much happier without you. I get what the psalmist was saying. I have said it before… “Here I am, trying to serve you with my life, and this is what I get in return?! Just go away from me. I can survive without you.”

Teenager, “Dad, I hate you!”

Then, the truth of God’s character shines through the darkness. I remember the love of my mother even after I told her that I hate her. I have this God-given picture in my mind. All I can see is this big, strong, weeping dad holding His daughter in His arms while she flails and yells, “I hate you! Why are you doing this me?” That’s all He does…He just holds her and absorbs her anger. Why? Why doesn’t He lash out? Why doesn’t He explain everything to her?

I remember Psalm 39. It tells me something about the character of God that He would even allow something like that in His word. He wanted the psalmist’s suffering and anger against Him to be remembered. But, why? It doesn’t say explicitly, but I’d like to think, He left his pain in their because God can take it. He can absorb it. He is the strong dad, who isn’t afraid of our anger and who isn’t going anywhere.  He is the dad holding onto the teenager who is wailing on Him.  My anger, my lack of understanding at the time, my belief that I have it figured out does not scare Him away.

How great is my God that He will let me cry to Him like that! How wonderful is the Lord that He wouldn’t walk away from me, when I may be hurting him in my doubts! How merciful and humble is my God that He doesn’t strike me dead, though He has every right to!

When I think of leaving Him behind because of my current pain, I think “Where would I go? Only you have the words of eternal life.”

So, my dear friends who are angry at God…I do not know your pain. I do not understand what God is doing. I don’t have the answers. I sure do want them. If you are struggling with God and wanting Him to just leave you alone, maybe you are in your teenage years as well. If you are, can I encourage you? Can I encourage you to let God have it... all your anger.  He can take it. He is not scared of it. He wants relationship with you more than perfection. He sure does want your holiness, but He understands your limitations. Do not be afraid of His response when you are angry at Him. He is a weeping dad, holding His angry teenager. Maybe we will love better because we understand how much we have been loved, even at our lowest…even when we told Him, I hate you. And, I am so sorry that you are going through deep pain. You are not alone.

My friends, there are so many layers to this issue. There are so many things to unpack. There are many imperfections. But, let's cast our cares upon Him because He will sustain us during this difficult season!

To hear more about how God has sustained me through this anger, gotten me through it and continues to do so, check out Part 2 of this post.