Cancer tests ahead
Surreal. Very, very surreal. That’s the only word that I can think of for the past two months. I mean, what else do you feel when you’re trying to find out if you have cancer? Thyroid cancer to be exact. Apparently, thyroid cancer is one of, if not the most treatable cancer to have. A doctor actually said to me, “If you could choose a cancer, you would definitely want to choose thyroid cancer.” That didn’t help. And, even though it’s treatable, treatable meaning they just remove the entire organ, I’m still not comforted.
I’ve kind of lost my faith in doctors. Now don’t get me wrong, I value the knowledge and opinion of doctors. If I wasn’t in my early thirties, I’d probably go back to school to be a doctor. I LOVE all things medical. Never knew I had this passion in high school or college. I never knew that I cared so much about how my body functioned until I had my second child. He has a host of medical and behavioral problems. He’s the reason I’ve lost my faith in doctors. They said so many things about him that thankfully, have never come true. They said he would never walk. Oct 18, 2011. They said he wouldn’t live. Presently living. Doctors have a practice because that is precisely what they are doing, practicing. And now it’s their turn to practice on me.
Tomorrow is a big day and Tuesday an even bigger one. I’m getting some radioactive iodine put into my body and then put through a PET scan to see if my thyroid is functioning or not. On Tuesday, I go back to hear the results. If functioning, huge probability that it’s not cancer. If not functioning, most likely cancer. Call me crazy but I’m pretty convinced that it’s cancer. I don’t know why I have this large hunch, but I do. I have this thought, this almost confidence that God has intended my life to be lived in great struggle. It makes sense that cancer would be a part of that. Ever since I was in high school I always had this feeling that things would be hard for me. In fact, I remember just a few years ago talking to a friend. “I think that God is preparing me for a long term struggle, but I just don’t know what it is yet.” That’s what I said to her about 8 years ago. Soon after, we moved to NC, away from all friends and family to help a small church plant in Winston-Salem. Lived without a car and a 9 month old for 8 months. Spent 6 weeks in the hospital before I had my son. Then, spent another 6 weeks in the hospital with him hearing doctors tell me he wasn’t going to live. Moving to another house. Getting broken into by the homeless man that we let stay in our back apartment. Had a dear friend pass away. A grandmother pass away. A grandfather pass away. Alcoholic husband. Another cross country move. Battery acid shoot into my eye and thought I was going blind. Autism diagnosis for my son. Now, cancer, or maybe not. It’s easy to think of everything that has been a struggle for us in the past 4 years.
But, in all of this, I rejoice! In all of the tears, fear, sleepless nights, death, sickness, I am still overwhelmed with gratitude for my good God! Why can I say that? Am I just some uneducated, brainless idiot who doesn’t know the real facts? Judge for yourself. But, I do know something. Something that can’t be taken away from me. I am infinitely loved! How do I know that? How does little old me, know that I have received the care and concern of the God that has created all that I see? Jesus. No matter what has changed, been hard, been disappointing in the past 4 years, nothing can ever change the fact that Jesus died on the cross 2,000 years ago to pay the penalty for my sin. When my mind asks those “why” questions, those “doesn’t He love me” questions, I don’t have to sit there long and ponder. I already know that He loves me. He already proved it. He doesn’t have to do anything else to show me that He loves. He doesn’t have to heal me. He doesn’t have to heal my son. He doesn’t have to give me the perfect husband, though mine is close. He doesn’t have to give me obedient children. He doesn’t have to give me a clean house, the right body weight, the nice car. He’s already shown me the measure of His great and magnificent love! It’s Jesus.
So this week, as I under go some more tests. I don’t have to hinge my hope on some results. I can walk this path with confidence, knowing that God will work it out for my good, even if I don’t understand. Even if I don’t see the results of His plans in the land of the living, I can fear no evil for He is with me. It’s not special. It’s not new. It’s just the belief of a girl who knows my God. Praise be to Jesus for His surpassing blessings on my life! What more could a girl ask for?
I’ve kind of lost my faith in doctors. Now don’t get me wrong, I value the knowledge and opinion of doctors. If I wasn’t in my early thirties, I’d probably go back to school to be a doctor. I LOVE all things medical. Never knew I had this passion in high school or college. I never knew that I cared so much about how my body functioned until I had my second child. He has a host of medical and behavioral problems. He’s the reason I’ve lost my faith in doctors. They said so many things about him that thankfully, have never come true. They said he would never walk. Oct 18, 2011. They said he wouldn’t live. Presently living. Doctors have a practice because that is precisely what they are doing, practicing. And now it’s their turn to practice on me.
Tomorrow is a big day and Tuesday an even bigger one. I’m getting some radioactive iodine put into my body and then put through a PET scan to see if my thyroid is functioning or not. On Tuesday, I go back to hear the results. If functioning, huge probability that it’s not cancer. If not functioning, most likely cancer. Call me crazy but I’m pretty convinced that it’s cancer. I don’t know why I have this large hunch, but I do. I have this thought, this almost confidence that God has intended my life to be lived in great struggle. It makes sense that cancer would be a part of that. Ever since I was in high school I always had this feeling that things would be hard for me. In fact, I remember just a few years ago talking to a friend. “I think that God is preparing me for a long term struggle, but I just don’t know what it is yet.” That’s what I said to her about 8 years ago. Soon after, we moved to NC, away from all friends and family to help a small church plant in Winston-Salem. Lived without a car and a 9 month old for 8 months. Spent 6 weeks in the hospital before I had my son. Then, spent another 6 weeks in the hospital with him hearing doctors tell me he wasn’t going to live. Moving to another house. Getting broken into by the homeless man that we let stay in our back apartment. Had a dear friend pass away. A grandmother pass away. A grandfather pass away. Alcoholic husband. Another cross country move. Battery acid shoot into my eye and thought I was going blind. Autism diagnosis for my son. Now, cancer, or maybe not. It’s easy to think of everything that has been a struggle for us in the past 4 years.
But, in all of this, I rejoice! In all of the tears, fear, sleepless nights, death, sickness, I am still overwhelmed with gratitude for my good God! Why can I say that? Am I just some uneducated, brainless idiot who doesn’t know the real facts? Judge for yourself. But, I do know something. Something that can’t be taken away from me. I am infinitely loved! How do I know that? How does little old me, know that I have received the care and concern of the God that has created all that I see? Jesus. No matter what has changed, been hard, been disappointing in the past 4 years, nothing can ever change the fact that Jesus died on the cross 2,000 years ago to pay the penalty for my sin. When my mind asks those “why” questions, those “doesn’t He love me” questions, I don’t have to sit there long and ponder. I already know that He loves me. He already proved it. He doesn’t have to do anything else to show me that He loves. He doesn’t have to heal me. He doesn’t have to heal my son. He doesn’t have to give me the perfect husband, though mine is close. He doesn’t have to give me obedient children. He doesn’t have to give me a clean house, the right body weight, the nice car. He’s already shown me the measure of His great and magnificent love! It’s Jesus.
So this week, as I under go some more tests. I don’t have to hinge my hope on some results. I can walk this path with confidence, knowing that God will work it out for my good, even if I don’t understand. Even if I don’t see the results of His plans in the land of the living, I can fear no evil for He is with me. It’s not special. It’s not new. It’s just the belief of a girl who knows my God. Praise be to Jesus for His surpassing blessings on my life! What more could a girl ask for?
Comments
Thomas and I have been praying for you and Dan through all of this. Even though you guys are far away you are not forgotten. Many a Friday night we wish we could call the Stone's and play Settlers! Even though we aren't physically near you guys we are lifting you up in prayer, especially today and tomorrow. Caitlin is right, we've got your back. Love and miss you!