Think on Such Things

Today is one of the hardest days to date. And yet, I can always sense when we are being prayed for. How? In the midst of insurmountable circumstances, I am calm. My depression hasn't kicked in. My heart still has such great hope that things will all turn out. Promises from God's word are readily on my lips. It may seem chaotic, but there is calm in the middle of the storm. That is how I know people are praying. That is how I hear, see, feel God near. I am so sure that there are a thousand other ways that He is. That's just my finite view. Today, we had to get rid of a ton of stuff. I went into today so hopeful that we would get to keep so much stuff and it didn't end up that way. It made so much more sense to get rid of a ton. I am a bit in shock right now to be honest. It is hitting me that so many sentimental things are gone. I don't honestly know what is kept and what got thrown away. Are Dan's love letters still with us? Did the last card that my grandp...

Writer's block. Write. Erase. Thoughts swirling around. Maybe, if I write them down they will somehow make sense. Erase. What if that is what I should write about? Erase. But, I feel the need to write, the urgency to make something with my words. Thoughts. Erase. What if they are too raw? This year hardly makes sense. It seems as though it has been one thing after another. Sure the doctor's appointments don't stop. That is a part of life that I have learned to adjust to. PTSD from tons of bad news in a doctor's office can take a toll on a person. Thankfully, I have had the opportunity to go to some counseling and work through how to cope. One person for him. One person for me. Lots of breathing. Recording the appointment is a necessity because I am hardly the advocate that I used to be. It takes me time to process now. It takes removing the pressure to have it all together at that moment to advocate. Last year was a year of crazy aggression. Lots of scratching, biti...

Unanswered Prayer I remember the dark days of unanswered prayer. The feeling of abandonment was so very real! When it just seemed to be one thing after another and I thought God wasn't answering my prayers of relief for me or my child.Those days have come and gone, then come and gone again and come and gone again. I'm sure they will make another appearance at some point. Maybe now they come more in moments then in seasons. I remember the deep pain of those initial days. My child was in the hospital for 5 weeks and each hospital visit to the NICU meant potential gains only to see him regress. Up and down, every day for 5 weeks. Every down seemed to challenge my faith more and cause me to wonder, "Are you really hearing me?" I remember coming home to my husband and 21 month old girl just weeping. I was breaking. I remember my little girl coming up to my husband saying, "Daddy is mommy ok?" Photo by  MMPR  on  Unsplash I couldn't breathe. My he...

I've never been one for amusement parks. Maybe I was when I was younger or when the idea of being tossed to and fro from a big metal machine was a novelty, but not now. Cue Debbie Downer music. How can you not like amusement parks?! Are you always such a downer? It just doesn't appeal to me as fun. It's probably due to the fact that my body is starting to feel older, more worn. My recovery from things that I used to do in my twenties is not hours anymore. It's more like days. I bet that means I should work out more, take some sort of supplement, heal my gut, rest more, wake up before my kids to run and so goes the list of self-care that I need to figure out how to accomplish so that I can ride a roller-coaster again. Truth is...I am on a roller-coaster. Come on, you saw that metaphor coming. What do you mean Melissa? Thanks for asking my friend. That metaphor actually started when my little man was born. I was in the hospital for 6 weeks on bed rest before he was...

I can’t remember the last time I changed my sheets. Sorry to burst your bubble of sanitation, but it’s true. Many weeks, just getting the family’s clothes cleaned is an Olympic worthy event. Sheets are often the last thing on my mind to get clean. “Nasty!” you say. “Doesn’t she know that will help them to not get sick as often?!” you say. “There has to be some time to work out for cleaning them! I mean, she is writing right now?!” you say. I know. Those thoughts plague me too. But most days, my head is too tired. My head is content to just have a bed. No matter if it’s clean. Most days, I just don’t have the mental energy to think about how I am going to rearrange my schedule to clean the sheets. If they get done, they get done. Too me, they are neutral in the span of eternity. I’m pretty sure that Jesus wouldn’t mind laying his scarred head on my dirty sheets if he needed a place to stay. I’m sure he would see much more behind those dirty sheets than a lack of education about germ...

So, we have this incredibly insurmountable week before us. At least, it seems insurmountable to me. You see, we have a little boy who, to say the least, is incredibly medically complicated. His diagnoses have left him famous, but for not the reasons that most parents want their kiddo famous for. Most parents may admit to wanting their child to gain some sort of notoriety. Doesn’t that explain the rise of tv shows in which kids are highlighted for their rare talents? I mean, someone has to drive and apply for that child to be on TV. Maybe it isn’t that type of fame you are seeking for your kid. Maybe you want them to be the best dressed at school. Or maybe even you have nobler aspirations, like you take great pride in them being known for their kindness. Hey, I’m not pointing an fingers here. I’m right there with you. I absolutely swell when someone tells me that they love hanging around my kid. Or, that they want to have a playdate with them. But what happens when your child becomes...